Monday, August 30, 2010

Movie Reviews: Vampires Suck

Some sagas just won't die.

Directed by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Written by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Starring: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Ken Jeong, Anneliese van der Pol

In this spoof of vampire movies, Becca moves to the Pacific Northwest, where she becomes torn between her love for a vampire and a werewolf.

I am in general a fan of movies that parody genre films, though none of Friedberg and Selzer's other films (Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, and so forth) quite live up to the classic Not Another Teen Movie, which was not one of theirs.

But Vampires Suck was absolutely dreadful. I've finally found a 2010 film worst than Legion.

I'll admit that I saw it by accident. I had several hours to kill waiting for a prescription to be filled, so I walked to the closest movie theater. This was the only movie that I didn't have to wait two hours for. But even so, I genuinely tried to like it. Alas, there was simply nothing funny about it.

It's hard to even characterize it as a parody of the vampire genre. It is, instead, simply a parody of the first two Twilight films, almost a frame-by-frame retelling of them, with only the barest of references to The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The films they are parodying were dreadful to begin with, but I finally found a film is even worse than the Twilight films themselves.

Twilight fans will hate that it's making fun of their franchise; Twilight foes will hate that it's too similar. No one will like this film. No one.

This is probably the harshest review I've ever written about anything. I'm not sorry. The tagline "some sagas just won't die" is sadly apt.

My grade: F

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